Innocent Blessed Sinner (Story)

[CibLover]

Very systematic and and concise story-writing.

TS, please continue.

[supervolcanot]

Very nice story, hope to read next update

[semj]

"Crushing" Decisions
Didn't feel safe turning to anyone for advice, or even just to talk.
Is it a sin to like someone? I didn't dare ask. What if they bao toh to leader?

After much thought, I decided to suppress it & 'pursue holiness' instead.
My strategy was to avoid interacting with Lyn whenever possible, hoping it would go away.


About a week after I realized my crush on Adelyn, while doing my usual nightly gaming,
I was startled by notification sound

Sarah, Covert Ops Advisor
Sarah's an interesting one. Hard to know what's she's thinking half the time.
Not overly loud personality but confident. Not exactly a daredevil, but always bolder than the average member.
It's like she has the map to where the landmines are, and always avoid them accurately
She knows when to to be daring, when to give in & follow, when it's possible to get away with things.




I became nervous





shit, I've been caught
didn't reply for a while.





We chatted till 1am that night.

Learned a little more history behind our little subgroup.
Sarah & Jeremy were together for a while. Think he still likes her, so hangs around. Their breakup was amicable

And many other eye opening treasures.

According to unwritten rules, dating is discouraged.
Veteran members who start to date or the 'spilt milk' cases, officially supposed to report their love life to the leaders.
Especially on wherebout & cannot go out too late alone.

Also found out her cousin was the former group leader ('graduated' on to adult groups) 4 years ago when she first joined
No wonder...laojiao already. Having seen many things, she knows the tricks & loopholes.

I was still skeptical, but felt could trust her somewhat.
Besides she already knows my secret. What to do, just play along.

This marked the start of a series of late night convos I referred to as "prayer meeting with Sarah"
From here, I learned the ins & outs of how to 'survive' in this harshly unpredictable environment




Beginning of the End
After weeks of struggle, I concluded it unsuccesful to uproot the Adelyn problem.
Couldn't stop thinking about her. Having to see her at least twice weekly didn't help.
Tried to be mindful not letting it show, but will occasionally make blunders.

Once before group meeting, I accidentally asked Sarah, 'where Lyn today? oh ok, will she be there for Tuesday night meeting?'
Suay suay leader walked past & 100% overheard this, though pretended didn't hear.

Immediately during the group meeting, brought up the topic about how when you attend meetings & events, you must 'do it with a pure heart for god, no other motives'.
She made it seem like a general statement & didn't eye contact me the whole time.
But the underlying arrows shot straight at my direction. I felt guilty.

After meeting, leader still acted as if didn't overhear, but did ask "X you coming tuesday meeting?"
I nodded my head with heart pounding.
"Ok Good, see you all on tuesday". Heng, didn't get pulled aside.

R: 'hey are you ok', Rachel's voice broke my daze staring into the air

X: 'yeah, I'm alright'

R: 'they waiting for you le' pointing towards the door

EVeryone has left already left. Sarah & Shawn were waiting for me to go home together.

That night, back at home





I wasn't ready to open up to another person. Even Shawn didn't know. I'm keeping it strictly to Sarah.





First Sin
Come Tuesday, realized a huge chunk of mock papers I forgot to complete.
Ugh this Adelyn thing is really messing with me. Never slipped up with schoolwork before.
No choice have to skip Tuesday meeting.

Surely enough, got a text demanding reason of absence.

X(Text Msg): "Forgot do homework"

Leader(Text Msg): "Ok. You should have at least let me know in advance. Next time, try to be more organized.
Remember God looks even at the little things, like turning up when you say you would.
A good christian upholds the words he said & all promises he makes, no matter how big or small"

X(Text Msg): "Yes Sis Ellen, sorry"

The replies stopped there. Later on in the night, I was bombed with a bible verse, together with the following message:

Leader(Text Msg):
"True disciples put nothing before God, not themselves, their belongings possessions, their wealth
(blahhhhhh)
(blahhhhhh)
(blahhhhhh)
including other brothers & sisters in Christ
Only God is always the first. Amen"

Means what? I thought sua liao? Do you know What's worse than being kan straight to your face?
These sort of got tail no head indirect bullet that go one round and shoot you in the back.

I considered this my first sin. First black mark.
Should I have prioritize the meeting before my homework?
No, wait, it's coz of Adelyn that made me forget homework, resulted in not attending.
So my crush on Adelyn is the source of sin?

My mind spiralled into a deep well. Didn't sleep well that night.
For hours I rolled on the bed, tormented with alternation between the heartache of not
being able to be close to Adelyn, and then feeling guilty for liking her.

I was so afraid of making more mistakes. I knelt down to pray with tears in my eyes
"Dear god please forgive me. I don't want to like her anymore. I'm sorry for falling in love. Please take this all away"

[semj]

"When you attend meetings, do it for God and no one else"
Everytime there was an important event or meeting coming up, you confirm will know.
The vibe will become more urgent nearing the date. Leadership will start to prep talk & hype.

Leader: "It's holiday week so everyone should be able to find the time to come.
It's gonna be great, the pastors have prepared a powerful day for you guys.
I'm sure God is going to speak to many of you during.....blahhhhhhblaahhhhhh
blahhhhhh blaahhhhhh...."

After which, leader will go around every individual to give a last casual "booster jab" with a personal touch, to ensure you turn up.

Leader: "Jeremy, on that day your xyz xyz xyz xyz...."
Leader: "Rach, xyz yxz yxz yzx....."

Leader passed by me just as she was about leave the place
Leader: "X you're gonna be so blessed during the meeting! oh yeah Adelyn will be there too leh" a swift pat on my back & promptly left

"er ok?? what??" I thought to myself.
"When you attend meetings, do it for God and no one else"
(being the person I am back then, didn't even think to question the motives behind that casual remark)

I turned my head and saw Rachel who was observing. She gave me a look I didn't fully understand, like something was up.
We didn't say anything.

Headed back home.




I kinda got the hint from the look just now. just didn't want to start this particular convo. did she also know about Adelyn too? better siam




Adelyn, Adelyn, Adelyn.
All in all, I considered Sarah a friend I trusted. Didn't feel she would ever tell on me or do wrong to me.
The more I interact with her, the more I knew she wasn't a spy for leader. Just that she seem to enjoy drama & gossip

One day after bible study, our little subgroup stayed back to watch worldcup or euro (can't remember which)
We had to report strength to leader at kickoff, half time, full time. Strictly all 6 of us had to be together, as a mixed group.
No 1 on 1, no all girls 1 guy or any suspicious combi. If we decided to go home early, Shawn had to go with us, cannot stay with Rach alone
[and nope, sorry guys, I know this scenario sounds great for a gangbang orgy but even if it was a fiction tale that wouldn't make sense at this point]

Things were more free & easy going in the subgroup - we didn't have to watch what we say too closely.
Half time chatter, Sarah managed to steer the convesation to this:

S:"eh Lyn would you date ABC? How about DEF?"

She then skilfully narrowed the selection to people in room.

S:"If Shawn was single leh?" (Strangely, Rach didn't even flinch when the question was asked)
A:"Maybe"
S:"Jeremy"
A:"Eh wah lao so awkward can"
S:"We all friends ma, why so uptight. have abit of fun la"
A:"Dunno leh"
S:'What kinda ans is that'
S:"X leh?"
No immediate answer
S:"X leh", Sarah was persistent. "he can be quite cute what"

After some deliberation, "err maybe not?" slipped out of Lyn's mouth.
In that split second, she realized what she just said, quickly added

"err maybe! I mean, MAYBE! err maybe...

"....aiya dunno la"

"beeeeeeee" referee's whistle provided her safe exit from the awkward situation

A:"match start liao la, dun wu liao already"

That's one thing about Sarah. She enjoys to stir water to see people reacting.
I din't think she purposely wanted to provoke or hurt me.

During 2nd half, it was Sarah's turn to slip of mouth. They were fangirling over the soccer stars
S:"Eeeh Lyn see so shuai hor"
A:"Ya lor ya lor, him I confirm date"
S:"Haha got as shuai as Matt or not"

In typical Sarah fashion, she very skillfully covered the slip up & continued fangirling
It was still obvious enough for my radar to pick up something amiss.

At full time, I wasn't even bothered the team I supported lost the match. There's something going on.
Feeling left out on a secret, furthermore something involving Adelyn, one thought led to another.
My mind ran wild.

We parted ways at Yishun interchange. Instead of the usual bus, I took a slow reflective walk that rainy night.
My mind slowly wearing down with all the accumulating burden.

Just before I reach my block, I looked up to the dark night sky with rain falling on my face

"Why lord why? Why are these sinful feelings still there? Why am I angry? Why am I jealous?
Why have you not cleansed my heart from all these distractions?"


In return for that 'lovely soccer session' Sarah did pei me to chat till 3am that night



Once again Sarah being Sarah, finding loopholes to jump through.

She also quickly shifted the convo attention back onto me.
Said she thinks I'm a really nice guy with innocent & clean motives, upright values.





This Adelyn thing has grown absolutely out of proportion


WW1
Most of the time, I didn't even have sufficient emotional attention to feel my 'Adelyn wounds'.
I put all my energy into 'putting god first', and to not let all of it show.
Once church things were settled for the week, I could relax abit. Whenever I relaxed, the Adelyn heartache would return.
Just couldn't catch a breath. This wore me down tremendously. I was losing grip, fast.

News of "WW1" couldn't come at a more perfect timing.
Dec 25. the biggest possible events of the year. Weeks to months prior, leadership will ramp up & gear us up for it.

Phone rang - leader. She usually texts, never call.
I thought die liao. This time CONFIRM kena

To my surprise, heard a very soothing, tender voice on the other side.

"Hey X. I just prayed for you. God wants you to know, don't worry about the things bothering you, it is all forgiven.
Just focus on doing your task well in serving Him (indirectly referring to the upcoming christmas), and your reward will come.
Don't be disheartened, but be encouraged"

Soft approach. Nice move Ellen. Nice move.

Across the preparation, I begged to be put on technical planning or 'backstage crew' roles.
But they can't stop the idea that just coz I'm nice & a pushover means I'm the best 'frontdesk' option
(they later learned their lesson, & found huge success with their star player, Adelyn)

I knew I'm terrible at social setting. Was never great with people. Worse - New people. WORST - LOTS of new people.
BUT NO.
"You are the most caring person that has the grace & love of god upon your life. I forsee you will lead many into the kingdom of God this festive season"

So, I was put in charge of the "HR (First Timer Relations)"

True enough, a month after the whole thing, out of the many first timers, only 1 was still attending.
Still, at least one right? One that's touched by my bro-ship & 'love of god that lives in me'?
Yeah right....It's coz he also likes Adelyn. What a beautiful outcome isn't it?

Leader was not happy. Announced next group meeting, pastor is gonna pay a visit
is like you tio catch, normal police say dunno what to do with you, hand your case over to FBI. Hong kan already la

Stakes always get higher & higher. The multiple levels of doom you discover that's possible always keeps you on the edge.
Like they have a neverending supply of curve balls.

[semj]

Judgement Day. Not Judgement Day. Oh Ok, Judgement Day.
Instead of judgement day, we actually got a very loving meeting with pastor & felt encouraged.
Pastor gave every member a hug & blessing before leaving the house.

Phew. The worst is over. On top big pastor come encourage us. Nice la.

Did I mention never-ending curve balls?

After pastor left..
Leader: "X, I need to brief you on something"

I was pulled into Rachel's room, which Sarah sometimes refer to as "interrogation room"
I've only heard tales of what it's like to be 'briefed on something'. Now I got to feel the full power of the assault myself.
The older members know once got signs of 'briefing' quickly siam, even Sarah left me behind that day.

Bam. Door locked.

Leader: "Can you tell me what happened? How come only Alvin stayed?
---tio kan---
---tio kan---
---tio kan---
...don't use your social incompetence as an excuse. A true servant of god has the confidence and authority to guide the lost back into His kingdom
What happened to the old X we knew? He had potential.
I'm disappointed in you. Better buck up & repent."

Door unlocked, leader left.


Silent Friend in the Shadows
I stayed in the room for a good ten minutes after the nuclear bomb exploded.
I was crushed. I didn't cry. Just sat there & stare.

There was gentle knock on the ajar door.
"I know you don't like to talk & share your heart. It's ok, take your time. I'll wait outside"
Rachel left a glass of water on the table.

It was first time I felt Rachel's concern on a personal level.
I mean, Sarah does too, that's why I didn't pay much notice. It was different the way both showed their care.

Brought the finished glass of water to the kitchen
"Thanks.." I muttered quietly

Rach stepped forward a little, most probably wanted to give me a hug
However, I just clumsily turned away & left the house


Beginning of End Pt2
After the whole christmas mess, there was some re-structuring & new strategies

pastor mentioned during the special visit there will be some reshuffle to way things are.
Will our group be split apart? What's gonna happen?

In the following meeting, leader announced:

"In effort to promote cohesion, sharpen relation building, and more holistic development,
We are going to try out a new system which encourage members to be responsible for each other's spiritual growth,
not just the leadership. (In short, buddy system la) The pairings be randomly drawn by next week's meeting."

That week I prayed to god every wakeup+breakfast+lunch+dinner+snackbreak+before&af terbathing+before&aftergaming+beforesleep to give me Adelyn.
If we're forced together by buddy system, I no longer need to purposely avoid her.
Who knows, something might happen. A chance is still a chance.

With the new system, you can expect to work closely, attend meeting & events with him or her, instead of just a random people who show up.
Whoever I get paired with, I'm gonna spend ALOT Of time with.
Please God Adelyn. please please please.


Results
The results came on indivdual slips the leaders handed out personally, didn't announce it publicly.

"You will be working closely with your spiritual buddy for this next season. Of course please still love all brothers and sisters here with the Love of God regardless
but we hope this way will bring more depth to your growth as a christian"

"The leadership team will contact each pairing in the course of next week to give you more details"

Back home, I opened my slip.

[kakalee]

Great share bro, looking forward to next update

[KTVbuddy]

nice story, waiting here for more of this nice story.

[CibLover]

Hmmm... Rachel would be a good bet.

[ZacCommend]

Looking forward to more updates.

[wattonhenry]

Kindly continue! Great writing...

[juzz]

Very powderful brain washing for people so young, nicely written. Uppz! 😄

[nkyc]

I really hope X has seen thru all the fake-ness in leadership and has matured to know that sometimes the Devil is so convincing at playing god that we humans really cannot tell the difference....

[shanbei]

Very nice, please keep going TS

[semj]

Results (cont.)
Back home I opened my slip.

Sigh.

Sigh.

No Adelyn.

Sigh.

Ok la. Rach's alright. I don't dislike her or anything. She's the least closest I am with in our subgroup. But still she's nice to me.

Wonder who Lyn got..


Covert Ops Sarah Intel Briefing Room
I read the chat, though didn't reply

S(Group Text): "guys guys, come come results!"

Sarah - ABC
Jeremy - DEF
GHI - JKL
X - Rachel
MNO - PQR
-more results-
-more results-

S(Group Text): "but then hor.."

Something was amiss. There was no on Shawn or Adelyn.

"Sis Sarah, your radars faulty already ah" member ABC replied

S(Group Text): "No la. Something is up. It's not that I can't get the results.
Is that, there are NO results for Shawn and Lyn"



Boiling Point




My brain didn't process those two words one bit





I didn't know what, nor where to even begin to be pissed at.





Sarah didn't reply





Hot tears were warming up my face that cold night. Angry, bitter tears.





So, this is god's punishment? I failed to bring in more souls into his kingdom
Now I'm not worthy of Adelyn.

I felt suffocated, crushed. Nowhere to go.

For the last time, I stared into night sky,

"god, please make it stop. why haven't you heard my prayers? Where are you?!
I'm not asking you to give me Adelyn. JUST MAKE IT ALL STOP."

The night sky stared back at me in cold, dark silence. For the first time, I felt, perhaps he didn't hear my prayers.
Or maybe I'm too low ranking for my prayers to matter.

ENOUGH.

I made up my mind, or should I say, my mind made up itself, to dig out my heart & go cold turkey on Adelyn.
Losing control, here begins my slacking as a 'role model member'. A definite path to my 'downward fall'


Making a Sinner
Seeing Matthew introduced at the next group meeting was quite an experience. It gave me feelings I never knew were out there.
Like a new concoction of a coffee blend. New bubble tea flavor on the menu. A designer cake with complex layers.
A sophisticated mix of confusion, guilt, sadness, pain & hopelessness nicely topped with brewing anger & resentment.

Just to make it clear, he wasn't introduced outright as Adelyn's BF. Although wasn't explicitly stated they weren't either.
He was "Just a core member from another group that would fit nicely to the dynamics of our group & would help in bringing our group to the next level"
Convieniently, it was also explained away as part of re-structuring & churchwide inter-group bonding 'opportunities'

With the huge void Adelyn left, I didn't know where to go.
Felt I had to get away from church people for a while
Still attended church, of course*. But it was..different? Deep inside of me something gave up already.

*Leaving church was a massive blasphemous taboo that was firmly ingrained, burnt & branded into our souls the moment we became regular members
Think even being caught having a quickie in the toilet DURING group meeting would still be a lesser sin than leaving church.

Burned bridges with sch people long ago - I spent literally all my free time with church people

That's when I turned online.

Started with random chatting. The more I did it, the more it revealed the festering loneliness that's inside me.
It took abit of convincing & frustration from the first few girls I talked to, but eventually picked up sexting/cybersex.
This became my secret hideaway. A place of relief from all that nasty toxic experience the past year.

I started to spend alot of time 'chatting online', even more so than games

One night whle 'chatting' with an online girl





Just as I returned to 'chatting'
Second interruption

UGH not one moment of peace!





Abit of guilt started coming back to me, turned off the 'chatting'

Wow guess the buddy system proved effective in guarding our growth & holiness, hmmm?

[semj]

_RaaaaChel_
Funny how tables turn. Think even god in heaven laughed at how things happened

The onlines I found are all "ONS". Or rather "OCS (one chat stand)" While it was annoying to keep looking for new girls,
on the other hand also gave a thrilling & fun thing to look forward to everytime.

Came holiday period. Adelyn cold turkey withdrawal acting up again.
NB you got Matt I also got my girls ok?

Found a new online girl that morning.
Username: _RaaaaChel_

Cannot be la even 4D, 3D 2D or 1D also not so zhun one.
Even god won't have the power to create such storyline. Nobody uses their real name. Stupid meh?

<dumbboy92> hi, up for a chat
<_RaaaaChel_> Hey
<dumbboy92> what you doing here
<_RaaaaChel_> just bored
-
-
chats
-
-
<_RaaaaChel_> Lonely.
<dumbboy92> hahaha ya i'm also lonely
<_RaaaaChel_> got gf? did anything b4?
<dumbboy92> nope. not much, just a noob here
<_RaaaaChel_> same same hehe
<_RaaaaChel_> so, what do you think about?
<dumbboy92> hmm?
<_RaaaaChel_> like, what would you like to do if you had the chance
<dumbboy92> honestly, I never even hold hands before. would like to try that
<_RaaaaChel_> WAH LAO!! I MEANT.....ERR GRRRR really dumbboy leh u. innocent boiboi
<dumbboy92> ehh. u also V ok
<_RaaaaChel_> hee, ya ya
<_RaaaaChel_> hey...it's a cold morning...pretty lonely over here..
<dumbboy92> yep it is too on my side
<_RaaaaChel_> wanna...keep each other company?
<dumbboy92> how?
<_RaaaaChel_> also dunno, just saying. wish someone was here to keep me warm
<dumbboy92> awww. I would cuddle u so tight
<_RaaaaChel_> damn
<dumbboy92> why
<_RaaaaChel_> what u said hit me
<dumbboy92> like how
<_RaaaaChel_> dunno how to say
<dumbboy92> u need company?
<_RaaaaChel_> ya, but I also kinda scared.. we just keep things here ok?
<dumbboy92> sure,
<_RaaaaChel_> so as I was saying. I mean, beyond the normal things la. like, I'm always curious what it's like to shower with a guy

my downstairs began to grow

<dumbboy92> wow.
<_RaaaaChel_> haha yup. I find it..really exciting. just like the idea of it
<dumbboy92> it sure does sound good
<_RaaaaChel_> wanna try?
<dumbboy92> I'd love to! where u stay
<_RaaaaChel_> hahahaha go to hell laaa. we do it just on here k?
<dumbboy92> okay okay Miss Rachel. I'll accompany you : )

-things got hot & we acted out her fantasies by text.
the scene was nearing it's climax-

<_RaaaaChel_> hey dumbboy, really wish I could hear or see you now, but I also scared & wanna stay anonymous
<dumbboy92> same
<_RaaaaChel_> promise you are masting with me right at this moment?

FUCK this line gave me goosebumps all over my entire body, my heart beat into overdrive

<dumbboy92> yeah, you too hor
<_RaaaaChel_> if I was less afraid...I would have call you to let you hear how wet I am right now
<dumbboy92> omfg. Why...why not? we dun have to talk, jus let me hear
<_RaaaaChel_> dun wan la
<dumbboy92> okok. let's cont?
<_RaaaaChel_> yeah baby

-more cybersexing-

<_RaaaaChel_> think I'm gonna cum
<dumbboy92> shit me too
<_RaaaaChel_> let's cum together ok?
<dumbboy92> yeah, u ready? I can't hold anymore
<_RaaaaChel_> yeah mmmm fuckkkk...wish you were deep inside me right now, ram me deep and cum with me

-30 sec silence-

<dumbboy92> damn I totally exploded, go clean up
<_RaaaaChel_> same here lol

-2 minute silence-

<dumbboy92> hey thanks that was really nice
<_RaaaaChel_> yeah

then We both typed at the same time:

<dumbboy92> I gotta go shower & head out soon
<_RaaaaChel_> I need to go shower, gonna go out in a while

and again

<dumbboy92> haha where?
<_RaaaaChel_> ohh where?

third time's the charm

<dumbboy92> I gg sentosa
<_RaaaaChel_> sentosa

<_RaaaaChel_> NO WAY
<dumbboy92> wow. go for what, with who

<_RaaaaChel_> dun tell you
<dumbboy92> ok SAME
<_RaaaaChel_> lol
<dumbboy92> will I ever see you again here?
<_RaaaaChel_> Dunno
<dumbboy92> pretty please? you enjoyed it too hor
<_RaaaaChel_> yeah, I did. maybe la. see how
<_RaaaaChel_> have to go le, wait I late, byeee
<dumbboy92> bye