Matters of the Heart.Has a Commercial Fuck turned into a torrid Love Affair which has turned your life upside down? Fear not. We have experts here who can help you through your roller coaster ride. Tell us your story and we'll do our best to help.
Hey there, I suppose you're in your mid to late twenties? 20s is often a period of struggle, of self-discovery, of finding one's place in this universe, of trying, making mistakes and learning what works better and of learning more about how society works & life.
It's also a period where you will realise you have to accept certain things, and that it can't be forced to change at will - example having a bigger circle of friends, especially so if you seek connection and quality.
It sounds like you've some degrees of low self-esteem and lack of healthy communication/nurturing in your growing up years, which results in your difficulties in maintaining long-term relationships. This I believe is quite common in average local families where family ties and communication aren't quite healthy so the younger generation don't know what's the right healthy way to live.
Such issues are hard to overcome because there's very little discussion, resources and support for them. It will be a long fight. But we have to try, especially when we're younger, more hopeful and more optimistic. Attend some self-discovery courses... travel overseas alone (when covid is over)... see a therapist (takes trial and error to find a good one)... attempt to be in relationships because this will reveal the problems and we learn how to deal with them better either in the same relationship or in subsequent relationships. It's a tedious relentless process of trying but on the bright side, when you get to 35, 40, you will be far better off
It's easy to envy people in relationships but really, we don't know the effort and struggle it can take to sustain these relationships, especially after marriage and kids enter the picture. Some relationships are one-sided I.e. one party putting in disproportionately more effort, love and money - which in this case, I think it's better to be single.
In our society, there's a lot of emphasis on achievements from young and little emphasis on what really matters - our soul & meaning. So this creates a lot of internal turmoil and emptiness. We're not brought up to think and act according to what we really need. So we end up on a wild goose chase for certain things and experiences thinking it will get us to a better place but they don't.
“The only reason to live is to live a life that connects with us internally, emotionally, mentally, spiritually. Mindfulness, meditation, put the focal point inwards rather than outwards, drown out the noise of society's expectations and injurious measurements of a person's worth, seek what truly matters and what one truly needs.”
Humans are curious and tend to seek new experiences. This applies to many areas such as food, travel, cars, education, jobs, whatever. Yet we're being told we have to marry and be with that one person for the rest of our lives. When people get married in their 20s and early 30s, how much do they really know about themselves and their partners and the world? Some couples are more lucky, they get married to someone who has great chemistry with them and complementing personalities, so it's easier to sustain the marriage.
Chemistry, complementing personalities will make sustaining any relationship much easier. Because the two souls are being nourished and connecting.
Sex is a basic need of both men and women but society is structured in such a way that we approach it conservatively. Won't be surprised many average people live sex-deprived for many years. So long as you don't hurt people maliciously and deliberately, there shouldn't be guilt or shame in having sex.
Wrote a fair bit and a little all over the place but hope it's useful for you!
Thanks bro, wise words indeed. It’s overwhelming at times tbh, with societal expectations still lurking somewhere behind even though there’s a conscious effort to ignore it.
I like what you said in the quoted section above. Really gotta focus inwards cos right now I’m failing to understand myself as a man and a person.
But I think my life of late quite toxic. Negativity everywhere. Work, friends, family. Jialat. Honestly got no one to turn to, seems like IÂ’m truly alone.
Talking to you guys and being part of the community is, how can I say it, like me being in therapy. Some hard truths put out there by bros I can and will have to accept. Grateful to hear it, nonetheless.
Maybe I just gotta take a break from online dating and all that. Legit quite sick and tired of the games that girls play.
Threadstarter i also can't get any action with local girls. The girls just like to flirt these are the bitches you want to avoid, they want to have fun and no sex. Want sex prove worth to them you are interesting for them to like. The pretty ones ignored me because i am not the muscular looking big size or tall guy above 180cm or handsome who goes to gym everyday. Don't get me wrong, dudes who go to gym everyday also might not have a girlfriend. Me only average learning skill so chances with pretty girl is pretty slim and my social skill eat shit. In summary i have nothing that stands out. You are like that probably.
Your situation likely will not get any better until you get older to 30s or 40s or until you get a girlfriend. Almost all my guy friends who regularly keep in touch are single. You are not alone.
Some commented go for Malaysian girls, these ladies are not any better these days because they get plenty of work money opportunities in Singapore and guys to choose because singapore loves these people. Don't get me wrong, these girls are clever and so they got good job and money. You and i average not splendidly clever or good verbally so lesser money, more work and no girlfriend. We suck thumb, serve NS to protect the girls and foreign guys here in Singapore but cannot find local girls gf wife.
The solution you have is consider go match making agency, the girls there are ready to commit for the right guy. The sum you pay there is a few thousand but a good investment eventually for getting a partner. I signed up with match making agency. The consultant mention the girls are in 20s and looking for 30s guys because these guys more likely to commit and settle down.
You in mid 20s how soon will you settle down? Or still want to chiong many beautiful FLs? Want to chiong all nationality girls? Ang mo, PRC, thai, viet bu, indo, pinoy, cambodian, laos, jap, korean, taiwan, hongkong?
Suggest you keep chionging because after getting attached will keep thinking grass greener elsewhere. Missing out on a lot of sexy beautiful thai and PRC ladies.
Last edited by pearlnjewel; 22-07-2020 at 05:31 PM.
Like, I use dating apps and can get girls that I like out on dates but when trying to get into a relationship somehow I just seem all needy and all that weak BS. Realised that I’m the bitch in the relationship then I will fuck up a perfectly good thing up.
TS,
Can you elaborate on this part? Why do you have problems sustaining a relationship?
To me, it sounds like you have a problem performing one of life's most basic function like hearing and you try to solve the problem by buying expensive hearing aids, branded headphones, complicated medical procedures etc....when you just need to address the root problem....by removing the wax from your ear.
Hey there, I suppose you're in your mid to late twenties? 20s is often a period of struggle, of self-discovery, of finding one's place in this universe, of trying, making mistakes and learning what works better and of learning more about how society works & life.
It's also a period where you will realise you have to accept certain things, and that it can't be forced to change at will - example having a bigger circle of friends, especially so if you seek connection and quality.
It sounds like you've some degrees of low self-esteem and lack of healthy communication/nurturing in your growing up years, which results in your difficulties in maintaining long-term relationships. This I believe is quite common in average local families where family ties and communication aren't quite healthy so the younger generation don't know what's the right healthy way to live.
Such issues are hard to overcome because there's very little discussion, resources and support for them. It will be a long fight. But we have to try, especially when we're younger, more hopeful and more optimistic. Attend some self-discovery courses... travel overseas alone (when covid is over)... see a therapist (takes trial and error to find a good one)... attempt to be in relationships because this will reveal the problems and we learn how to deal with them better either in the same relationship or in subsequent relationships. It's a tedious relentless process of trying but on the bright side, when you get to 35, 40, you will be far better off
It's easy to envy people in relationships but really, we don't know the effort and struggle it can take to sustain these relationships, especially after marriage and kids enter the picture. Some relationships are one-sided I.e. one party putting in disproportionately more effort, love and money - which in this case, I think it's better to be single.
In our society, there's a lot of emphasis on achievements from young and little emphasis on what really matters - our soul & meaning. So this creates a lot of internal turmoil and emptiness. We're not brought up to think and act according to what we really need. So we end up on a wild goose chase for certain things and experiences thinking it will get us to a better place but they don't.
The only reason to live is to live a life that connects with us internally, emotionally, mentally, spiritually. Mindfulness, meditation, put the focal point inwards rather than outwards, drown out the noise of society's expectations and injurious measurements of a person's worth, seek what truly matters and what one truly needs.
Humans are curious and tend to seek new experiences. This applies to many areas such as food, travel, cars, education, jobs, whatever. Yet we're being told we have to marry and be with that one person for the rest of our lives. When people get married in their 20s and early 30s, how much do they really know about themselves and their partners and the world? Some couples are more lucky, they get married to someone who has great chemistry with them and complementing personalities, so it's easier to sustain the marriage.
Chemistry, complementing personalities will make sustaining any relationship much easier. Because the two souls are being nourished and connecting.
Sex is a basic need of both men and women but society is structured in such a way that we approach it conservatively. Won't be surprised many average people live sex-deprived for many years. So long as you don't hurt people maliciously and deliberately, there shouldn't be guilt or shame in having sex.
Wrote a fair bit and a little all over the place but hope it's useful for you!
TS,
Can you elaborate on this part? Why do you have problems sustaining a relationship?
To me, it sounds like you have a problem performing one of life's most basic function like hearing and you try to solve the problem by buying expensive hearing aids, branded headphones, complicated medical procedures etc....when you just need to address the root problem....by removing the wax from your ear.
I think I tend to come on too strong which I Guess stems from my fear of becoming friend zoned. So kinda scare girls off. I also realised from introspection that I tend to worry a lot that the girl I’m dating might be seeing someone else.
Though neither of these two things have happened to me before (being friendzoned and having a girl that might be seeing someone else), ironically. So I think these two behaviours led me to come on too strong and appear needy.
I’m pretty much done already at this point haha just gonna focus on my work and myself.
Never imagine seeing good analogy and heart to heart advice from one brother to another here in sammyboy. I just joined and fall into the category of married man wanting to "supplement" his sex life.
I think I tend to come on too strong which I Guess stems from my fear of becoming friend zoned. So kinda scare girls off. I also realised from introspection that I tend to worry a lot that the girl I’m dating might be seeing someone else.
Though neither of these two things have happened to me before (being friendzoned and having a girl that might be seeing someone else), ironically. So I think these two behaviours led me to come on too strong and appear needy.
I’m pretty much done already at this point haha just gonna focus on my work and myself.
So its pretty obvious what you need to do. Stop those 2 behaviours and learn how to be a better person, am I right? Else spend eternity alone?
Imagine at 50 years old then you decide you want to man up to your flaws and learn. Isn't that too late?