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  #1  
Old 18-12-2019, 04:48 PM
alea alea is offline
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Voice in my head

I'm in my mid-forties, married, and has two kids in primary school.

Lately, the voice in my head telling me that I'm a loser is getting louder and louder. Due to a career choice in my mid thirties that didn't go well, I'm now earning only $4k+ per month, which is way much lower than what my peers are getting. And also lower than my wife's. My wife and I contribute equally to our household expenditure every month. We also share in the household chores.

She made it clear to me on more than one occasion that she resents me for being a low earner. She resents me for denying her dream of being a stay-at-home-mum and that she has to work to bring in money, since my sole salary is not enough for the household expenditure.

Whenever we quarrel, she will always pin the cause to me being a low earner. Recently when we quarreled about our infrequent sex life again (I told her I hope for our sex to be more frequent than our current once-every-two-months), she even brought up my lack of earning power into the topic. She says because of my low salary, she needs to work, so how can I expect her to work in the day and then still expect her to satisfy me at night??! Well, those words hurt me badly, and I've since told myself to give up expecting any more sex from her.

I don't know if any brothers here do the same, but at night I will scroll through Facebook to look at my friends' happy families photos (especially now when a lot of them are on overseas holidays). To be frank, I envy them. They have achieved much in life which I never had - they have cars, careers, houses and happy spouses. I acknowledge that part of it stems from the glamorizing aspect of social media, where people post only the positive aspects of their lives. But even so, when I look at the happy photos of my friends with their spouses, I know that my wife and I don't can't even pretend to pose for such happy photos. That's when the voice in my head reminds me that I'm a loser. And the realistic state of my marriage reinforces the message that the voice is very true. It's not just my imagination, it's a fact that I'm a loser.

Thanks for reading this far. The voice in my head is building up and getting unbearable. If I don't vent, I might just go crazy one day.
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Old 18-12-2019, 05:20 PM
Marq Marq is offline
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Re: Voice in my head

Bro, thanks for sharing

It certainly isn’t easy when you feel you are not doing well enough compared to your peers and the expectations of the people around you. Especially bad when there is not much you can do about it

But you need to acknowledge it and not let it drag you back, because it is only going to make things worse when you start feeling you are not good enough, and it affects your work, which will happen if you allow it to control you

So first question should always be, is there really nothing you can do about it? Answer it honestly. Change another job? Try earn side income?

If the answer is no, that there is nothing you can change, then just accept it and decide whats next. It’s definitely not good for you with a partner verbally beating down on you consistently. It may be harsh, it may be difficult, but you know there are options, for your mental wellbeing

Lastly, earning $4k/mth is by no means poor. So don’t beat yourself over it. There are many out there that earns less. So while you may not be doing very well, you are doing ok. So chin up
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Old 18-12-2019, 05:32 PM
davewinson999 davewinson999 is offline
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Re: Voice in my head

Dear Bro Alea,

I am younger than you so I cant advise you accordingly on your marriage life.

However, this voice inside you is getting louder and louder, I strongly suggest you seek help quickly. It sounds like you might be facing a depression.

Someone very close to me has the same sign as you. A voice telling him that "I am a failure! I am a failure! The world is better off without you".
This voice affected his studies, health, social life with family, friends and relationship.

He stopped going to school. Replying or talking to his friends and family. His room was in a mess. He didnt cook his own food and rely heavily on fastfood. The weight gain was astronomical and he got fat very quickly, hence affected his self esteem. He got to the point whereby it is so difficult for him to do anything, including taking a shower.

He was trapped in this downward spiral and pretty much gave up on everything to the point that he has thoughts of harming himself. He didnt want to worry his family so he has no one close to speak to about this.

His first step to recovery is to acknowledge that he has a problem and seek help immediately. I suggest you do the same.
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Old 18-12-2019, 06:28 PM
centvin centvin is offline
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I'm going thru the same phase right now.. Just different scenario. Feeling pain but need to consider kids emotion.
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Old 18-12-2019, 10:03 PM
Pictionary Pictionary is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by davewinson999 View Post
However, this voice inside you is getting louder and louder, I strongly suggest you seek help quickly. It sounds like you Someone very close to me has the same sign as you. A voice telling him that "I am a failure! I am a failure! The world is better off without you".
This voice affected his studies, health, social life with family, friends and relationship.

He stopped going to school. Replying or talking to his friends and family. His room was in a mess. He didnt cook his own food and rely heavily on fastfood. The weight gain was astronomical and he got fat very quickly, hence affected his self esteem. He got to the point whereby it is so difficult for him to do anything, including taking a shower.

He was trapped in this downward spiral and pretty much gave up on everything to the point that he has thoughts of harming himself. He didnt want to worry his family so he has no one close to speak to about this.
There is such a case, met during nsf days. Then he slimmed down. He got pes C but still have to do ippt.

Now he is in mid forties, he need to get a certificate from IMH for what? To down pes, to get financial assistance? His household income is high also. There is also no way doctor can diagnose severe mental illness just like that. And severe mental illness is result of trama. And forget this depression thing. TS is sane and normal, nothing wrong, fullstop.

Practical ways of reducing household income like supermarket got pioneer generation card get 2% discount from ntuc on every tuesday, can get from his parents. Side income maybe no bec he need to accompany the kids.

Fuck man this popularity power and points. Dun know how u ppl get the points? Write also must be sensible, no need to consider whether ppl like to hear or not. What's the use of writing nice things and get points? It doesn't work that way and it never will.
  #6  
Old 18-12-2019, 11:15 PM
Marq Marq is offline
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Re: Voice in my head

Quote:
Originally Posted by Pictionary View Post
There is such a case, met during nsf days. Then he slimmed down. He got pes C but still have to do ippt.

Now he is in mid forties, he need to get a certificate from IMH for what? To down pes, to get financial assistance? His household income is high also. There is also no way doctor can diagnose severe mental illness just like that. And severe mental illness is result of trama. And forget this depression thing. TS is sane and normal, nothing wrong, fullstop.

Practical ways of reducing household income like supermarket got pioneer generation card get 2% discount from ntuc on every tuesday, can get from his parents. Side income maybe no bec he need to accompany the kids.

Fuck man this popularity power and points. Dun know how u ppl get the points? Write also must be sensible, no need to consider whether ppl like to hear or not. What's the use of writing nice things and get points? It doesn't work that way and it never will.
You are talking gibberish
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Old 18-12-2019, 11:54 PM
Pictionary Pictionary is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Marq View Post
You are talking gibberish
I no need to listen to u and i no need to reply to u. And everything u say doesn't work. Just fuck off. Dun know means dun know. Think everything can work just like that, go fight against the ministry, asshole.

One classic example of ppl, hurricane88 can join u too.
  #8  
Old 19-12-2019, 03:49 AM
Marq Marq is offline
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Re: Voice in my head

Quote:
Originally Posted by Pictionary View Post
I no need to listen to u and i no need to reply to u. And everything u say doesn't work. Just fuck off. Dun know means dun know. Think everything can work just like that, go fight against the ministry, asshole.

One classic example of ppl, hurricane88 can join u too.
You need a doctor
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Old 19-12-2019, 03:54 AM
ahboyb0y ahboyb0y is offline
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Re: Voice in my head

Hi bro,
Sorry to hear what you are going through.
It's seem like a sign of depression.
Why would I know? Because I have major depression since 2014.
Do you feel someone controlling you or do you feel like being alone? But best is to seek help first.
Hope everything will be well for you in the future
  #10  
Old 19-12-2019, 11:06 AM
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sammyboyfor sammyboyfor is offline
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Re: Voice in my head

A wife that withholds sex because he's not bringing in enough dosh does not come across as a very nice person.

Nor does she appear to have any real affection for her "life" partner.



You sound like a nice guy you deserve better. Set a goal for yourself to become wealthy and you can then turn the tables on her.
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  #11  
Old 19-12-2019, 12:50 PM
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loneyheart loneyheart is online now
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Re: Voice in my head

Many barely earning 3K or less r living happily ever after
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Old 19-12-2019, 02:42 PM
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Re: Voice in my head

boils down to expenditures prioritising, $1 kopi vs $5 starbucks.
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Old 19-12-2019, 05:40 PM
alea alea is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ahboyb0y View Post
Hi bro,
Sorry to hear what you are going through.
It's seem like a sign of depression.
Why would I know? Because I have major depression since 2014.
Do you feel someone controlling you or do you feel like being alone? But best is to seek help first.
Hope everything will be well for you in the future
Thanks for sharing your situation, bro. I hope things are better for you after treatment.

For me, I feel trapped and alone. There’s no way out besides death. Not actively seeking suicide although death seems like the only form of escape.

When the accusing voice in my head is too unbearable, I’ll shout a few times to drown out that voice.

I don’t know if it’s depression or not. How does one go about seeking treatment? What are the costs like?
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Old 19-12-2019, 06:45 PM
Marq Marq is offline
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Re: Voice in my head

Quote:
Originally Posted by alea View Post
Thanks for sharing your situation, bro. I hope things are better for you after treatment.

For me, I feel trapped and alone. There’s no way out besides death. Not actively seeking suicide although death seems like the only form of escape.

When the accusing voice in my head is too unbearable, I’ll shout a few times to drown out that voice.

I don’t know if it’s depression or not. How does one go about seeking treatment? What are the costs like?
Bro, suicide is not the only way out. There is always the option of walking away from the people that is creating this situation for you, i.e. your wife. But please seek help first

https://www.healthhub.sg/a-z/support...-you-need-help

Different numbers you can call, pick one the resonates and try
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Old 19-12-2019, 10:48 PM
alea alea is offline
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Re: Voice in my head

Thanks to all bros and sis who replied.

I switched to a new job recently this year in order to hit $4k+, up from $3.5k+ in my previous job. After having worked for 20 years, I think a $4k+ salary is nothing to shout about (my wife, for one, is not impressed). I would say our combined income is more than enough, but she's pissed with me for not earning enough to let her be a stay-at-home-mum.

After all these years of her berating, I have also lost track of what's factual and what's not. Am I really as lousy as she says, or am I actually not that bad? I don't know, and I don't dare to ask (I don't have anyone to ask anyway). And in the first place, do facts even matter at all? So what if the whole world finds me ok but she finds me lousy -- she'll still be pissed with me.

She's not keen for couple counselling because since I'm the cause of all these problems, she says I should be the one going for counselling alone. I guess she's being defensive and doesn't want others to know that we've not slept in the same bed for years.

I find solace in my kids, who are still young and thus love me unconditionally at this stage of their lives. But I'm not a good father either. These voices in my head and the frustration of my unmet sexual needs has caused me to snap at them needlessly on more than one occasion. I guess it's only a matter of time before they grow up and follow in their mother's footsteps of being pissed with me.

My heartfelt gratitude to all here who took the time to reply to my vent. My original intention was just to vent, but your concern here has let me see that something is not right with the state of my mental health. I should seek help soon.

Last edited by alea; 19-12-2019 at 11:12 PM.
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